I've Had A Lot of Espresso

I’ve had a lot of espresso. And it prompted me to have this conversation with this guy who’s out of work and newly moved to the area. He’s a mama’s boy. He told me himself. Calls her everyday and talks about everything. You know about that, right? Some of you have that. I used to have that, but my mother’s dead. I know… “BOOM!” right? It’s not that weird. It’s COMPLETELY AND TOTALLY FUCKED UP, but it’s not that weird. It’s part of the cycle, although, as an aside, I really hate people who hear about my mom and tell me things like: “I’m sorry your mother has transitioned.”

“TRANSITIONED”?????????? You’re sorry my mother has TRANSITIONED????? Well, I’m sorry that I can’t get a decent cup of coffee in the suburbs, can’t fit into a size 10 anymore, and that the price of gas in Los Angeles is un-fucking real. TRANSITIONED?????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! To WHAT?????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

People who push their new age agenda make me absolutely, fucking crazy. If I wanted to hide from the facts, reject her death, live in denial that I can never, ever, EVER hear her voice again unless I play recordings of her over and over, I’d curl up into an ASANA, chant “Om,” and pretend I loved everyone TOO! BUT I DON’T!!!!!!!!!

I WANT to be miserable about my mom,
I WANT to miss her,
I WANT to rage as out-fucking-loud as I can because
I
HURT
SO
MUCH.

I’ve… had a lot of espresso… And none of it, and nothing else, can ever bring my mother back. So when I talk to a nice guy about how much HE loves HIS mom, it makes me feel

alive.

And like I’m here, and will be here, to speak of her and her beautiful deeds, forever.

Death isn't a "transition." It's black, and it’s bad, and it’s lonely-making,
and it’s okay. And I've had a lot of espresso, and you know what?
Mom LOVED espresso...