Letters from Sundance

i woke up this morning thinking again about where i am, what i'm doing... the first thing i thought was: "i'm going to be in New Orleans by myself for two weeks. i was here (at Sundance) for one week (and hated it-ish)." i thought the next feeling would be panic, but it wasn't. I thought maybe i could relax a bit in New Orleans. it seems odd, such a destroyed city, but i loved it when i was there just once, and i'm sure i'll love it again. it won't be as hot as it was then (101 in the shade), and i'll have a car, something i don't have here.

i asked myself today why i'm doing all this - running around and filming. i'm surrounded by "filmmakers" here, people with a clear purpose. i asked myself: "do i not have a clear purpose?" honestly, i don't know. i thought about what i told you, that when a company is paying me so much to go somewhere and do something, i want to live up to that expectation and work hard. not work my ass off, i'm not doing that here, but i'm not taking any time off to stop and look around. my inner motor always revs on high when i'm in the field. maybe i feel guilty when i go on the road because i feel like i don't work hard enough when i'm home. i don't know...

i'm saying all of this so that maybe you can see something in it and give me a little insight into why i do this, who i am, and - ultimately - what i want. i think you might know. or at least might be able to see through everything to some clear answer. i'm not sad, i'm just even. and i've never been that. ask anyone. i've always been either 100% great or 100% shitty. No Middle Ground. that was my middle name.

then i thought about you. i thought: "well, i'm making money. i'm building toward a goal of owning a house," but for what? to live in, sure, to settle somewhere. to have a place that's forever the place where i have a comfy armchair in the corner by the fire with a bright, wide window next to it where i can read.

do i want to make films? i honestly don't know. evidence would suggest that i don't, seeing as i haven't. should i call myself a filmmaker? i don't know... i DO know that i want to do everything in my power to help you get to where YOU want to be. i'm committed to that. it's a very clear goal in my head.

when i thought about New Orleans i thought: "i have the car and will be alone. maybe i can just drive around and see what i see. i always 'see' with the camera, never taking time to see with my own eyes. i'll have the time to do that in New Orleans." maybe i can even write some commentary for the web. i don't know. all i know is that i'm not not looking forward to the trip. it will be un-fun to be away from you again for that long, but at least i won't be doing stupid stuff like i'm doing here. this is just awful. being in this sea of hypocriticals who are all discussing the new, affecting Iraq documentaries while they ignore the State of the Union is something that really brought everything home to me. Don't Make Any Art That Doesn't Matter. fiction is stupid unless it has a global, influential message. if you're going to entertain, you better knock it out of the park. that's why i like docs. maybe i am a filmmaker and just need to own it more by actually settling on a project and seeing it all the way through. i'm GREAT at all the small stuff. TV shows. 3-minute features. but what about something more...? what do i care about?

actually, i care a great deal about the elderly. and i care about cancer. and i care about music. and i care about you.

my heart is so heavy right now about my mom. i still just can't believe it.... i miss her so much. i wonder sometimes if i'm just going and going and going to try to rid myself of the pain of not being able to talk to her. my body misses hugging her so much.

i want to come home, babe. i think i need some vacation time. i think i need a break. i'll take a long one after SXSW. April.