The thing I have been most afraid of has happened, is true: I don't feel anything any more, it seems. My mom is gone and with her went me. How did I not see how connected we really were? I wake up wondering how I could feel so little these days. I mean, we're talking about ME, after all. Anyway, I had a dream of paranoia last night. No, a feeling of paranoia and I "called on" my mom to come and help me. She came. She was real, albeit, spirit. Air. Smoke. She was smoke. She hovered above me in one of the flowy, formless dresses she used to make for herself, light as a feather, and then lay down next to me and took me into her arms. Somehow I thought that was too weird, to be lying in bed with my mother, and so I imagined her going into me. In habiting me. She lived inside me and was pushing out all the "dents" in my soul, like a mechanic does with a damaged car. I was lying awake so scared, really PARANOID, panicked about my life - my actual LIFE - and she came and held me. All this time I've wanted her to come, but I guess I didn't need her badly enough, and then she shows up last night and.... saves me? I don't know. I do know that I don't want to lose M, and that mom doesn't want me to either. She misses me too. She's so sad that I'm hurting so much, but she's strong. She didn't cry. She's in a place now where she understands everything we do in life and why.