A Little More Sacred

I left a message for my friend Nathan:

"Hey, how is it that, at 'almost 40,' both of us are still up at 10 o'clock. I mean it's fine and all, but I know you and I certainly know me and I'm fairly sure that both of us would rather be asleep right now. But see, we're both interested in the world and doing our part to save it and, as a consequence, we're busy as hell... so, I don't know... Anyway, I'll literally only give you ONE guess as to who this is, after that, you're on your own! Seriously, though, give me a call back tonight if you can, I'll be up until at least midnight, and I want to talk to you about something that can't be done during work hours, it's a little more sacred than that. Alright, I love you and miss you. Bye."

"It's a little more sacred than that. My mother died." Eesh...

Is my idea of others' reactions to the news of my mother's death greater than her actual impact on them was? Am I building her memory up too much? Am I going to be disappointed by people who aren't hurt when they learn of it? I have a lot of people, people close to me, telling me I have to move on, can't let this sadness rule me. K... How close were you to YOUR mother, asshole???????!!!!!!!!

N: How did she die?
A: We think... cancer.
N: Who is "we?"
A: Tom Lynch, oncologist.
N: What kind of cancer?
A: We think... lung.
N: Why aren't you certain?
A: Because Tom isn't and he's not saying any more.
N: There was an autopsy.
A: Yes.
N: Results?
A: Metastasis.
N: As predicted.
A: Yes.
N: And.... nothing else?
A: Cremation.
N: Ah...
A: Yes.
N: A pity.
A: Yes.
N: You're sad?
A: It's a little more sacred than that.

I have a greiving process. It's not rocket-science, but it works for me. When I had my last "extremely bad thing that happened in my life" I dealt with it head-on. Met the fear, shook it's hand, went into an emotional & psychological tailspin, rollercoaster ride and survived, with a lot of help. Friends, family, Mom. Mom is always bigger than everything else, even family, and so she gets her own category.

Anyway, so I have experience in how my "process" works. I think that's very good! What if the death of my mother was the first "extremely bad thing that happened in my life"? Who's to say how/if I would have come through it? Cause if you take current evidence of my state as data and throw me into the past with a set-up of never having gone through someting like this, I warrant the numbers wouldn't look good. I think it would take me A LOT longer than it's taking me to deal. Dad says he pushes aside memories and feelings of Mom when they come up because they just make him sad. Well, you know what? Memories and dreams - even bad ones - are all I have left of her, and I will hold on for dear life, thankyouverymuch.

Fuck... Meet the girlfriend? You've got to be kidding...

This has been a hard day. I live in priviledge so "hard" is relative, and so, relatively speaking, today was hard. I found out that my father can't help me financially as he did my brother and my brother's wife. I found out that I am, essentially, worth one-third as much as my brother. Not that I'm crying over lost inheritance, no. I'm struggling financially and could use some help, that's all. But, relatively speaking, I'm okay.

This makes no sense, and anyway I'm too angry and disappointed to try to make sense. So I think I'll just leave it here. Maybe I'll comment some more later/have a revelation, but for now this is it. Maybe some of you can comment or send me an email saying: "we're still here. You're okay. Hang in there." I don't know...