Exhaustion has a way of making you unsure. Am I here? How did I get here? Did I do that? Memories cut you off as you walk briskly, in a fog, up 51st street. I said I would never return here, but things keep dragging me back. When I'm away I don't feel like I'm in a relationship. I know she's out there - floating, living her life - but when I'm away my life has nothing to do with hers. That's how she wills it. Her life gets really positive when I'm away... Yesterday I tried to explain to someone what it was like being back here again - the familiarness like you're coming into your mother's living room - but he looked away mid-sentence, too excited by his first time here. NYC is happy that I'm back this time. She's being very welcoming. What a love. And what a sucker am I. She knows how much I love her... I had almost completely forgotten that my ex-friend was here. For the record - mine, you don't know either her or me - she was never my best friend. Mom was. My 4am phone call. ... When I'm away she is single, independent, vibrant, positive and productive. When I am away from her, or she is away from me, I feel her happy distance. ...